After another amazing summer working at Camp Sonshine, it is time for me to return from being at my favorite place and doing my favorite thing to writing about my favorite place and thing. I was back with my original group of boys, who are now going into sixth and seventh grade, and I had a blast working with them! I also learned so much about working with kids and about being a camp counselor, and, of course, I have a lot to share!
With that in mind, I am very excited to be starting a new project (in addition to working at Camp Sonshine next summer, don’t worry!). I am on the Coordinator Board of the University of Maryland’s chapter of Camp Kesem, a national organization that creates a week-long sleep-away camp for children whose parents have been affected by cancer. Some of these children have unfortunately lost a parent to cancer and are therefore experiencing grief for what may be the first time in their lives. In working with this organization and from the experiences I have had this summer in working with children who are grieving, I figured it would be important to talk about grief and how to work with grieving children. Many children will unfortunately experience some form of grief before they enter adulthood, and it is very important for those children to have a safe place or person to go to in times of grief. Although it is common to seek professional help for a grieving child, not all children need this help, and having someone to talk to and to help them through their grief can suffice. Sometimes, summer camps and camp counselors can be just what these kids need in their time of grief! Most normal grieving heals over time, but there is another form of grieving that is more troubling and problematic: complicated grieving. The most common sign of complicated grief is an overwhelming sense of grief in which the child feels stuck in grief (Worden, 2009). This complicated grief is best left to professionals, but even in this situation, children still need a camp counselor or someone by their side to help them through this difficult time. According to a psychological study, there are two main types of grievers, both of which require different guidance depending on their situation: intuitive and instrumental (Martin & Doka, 2008). According to the Gift of Life Institute, intuitive grievers typically grieve outwardly by letting their emotions flow. These children typically require a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. On the other hand, the Gift of Life Institute says that instrumental grievers are more active and pragmatic and grieve internally, attempting to solve their own problems and work through their grief alone. These children will likely require less guidance and will simply need someone to show them that they are there for them if they need them. (This is especially important because if they are too young, children may become overwhelmed with grief, which is potentially dangerous for their mental health.) With the two types of grievers in mind, there are also two main ways that grief tends to run its course. The Task Model of Grieving (Worden, 2009) states that grieving occurs in a non-sequential four-step process:
Another way grief runs its course is explained by Stroebe and Schut through the Dual Process Model of Coping and Bereavement (1999), in which children oscillate between two orientations: Loss and Restoration. During the Loss Orientation, children tend to feel an intense feeling of grief, and during the Restoration Orientation, children are able to learn to move on and go through life without the deceased loved one. These two orientations may alternate, and children may remain in each orientation for different durations, depending on the severity of the grief. Even though grieving is a process and requires time, as I previously mentioned, being there for a child can be the best way to help them through a period of grief. Camp is the perfect place for this assistance because it is important for grieving children to have opportunities to see that they are not alone in their grief. (Camp Kesem provides the perfect opportunity for these grieving children because it brings many children who may be grieving over a similar loss together.) Grieving with others can help normalize grieving, reduce isolation, and provide an opportunity to share feelings. As an adult having a conversation about grief with a child, it is important to remember a few things in order to ensure that the child is comfortable: encourage the child to grieve in their own way, follow the child’s lead, use active listening strategies, and connect children with outside resources if necessary. Emphasize that every person is different, and for this reason, there is not one single way they should be grieving, and that they are allowed to feel however they are feeling. This will help children understand that there is nothing wrong with them, which may prevent future feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. Let the child lead the conversation by using phrases such as, “Tell me what is going on” and “Would you like to tell me more?” so that they feel as if they are in control of the situation. This will avoid any discomfort a child may feel if something too personal is asked. (Eventually, if the conversation seems to be going well, and the child seems to be disclosing more personal information, it is appropriate to ask more personal questions.) Use active listening skills, especially paraphrasing and restating what they child says, to reassure the child that you are listening and that you do care about what they have to say (Miller, 2012). This will give children an opportunity to further process what they are saying when it is repeated back to them, and it may encourage them to elaborate more on how they feel. Finally, if the child seems to need professional help, it is important to refer them to resources that can help them, such as the Montgomery County Good Grief Club www.hospicecaring.org/children-s-bereavement-support.html, which helps local children work through grief. Because I know this was A LOT of information, here is a summary of all the information above:
Thanks for reading! Logan *P.S. I promise that my next post will be fun! **P.P.S. If you are interested in learning more about Camp Kesem, the national organization’s website is CampKesem.org. Also if you are interested in helping contribute to my Camp Kesem fundraising efforts (we need to raise about $30,000!!!) here is the link: https://donate.kesem.org/fundraiser/1100829 ***Huge thank you to Dr. Karen O’Brien, for providing me the research materials and the expert opinion on grief!*** References: Martin, T.L., & Doka, K.J. (2008). The influence of gender and socialization on grieving styles. In R.A. Neimeyer, D.L. Harris, H.R. Winokuer, & G.F. Thornton (Eds.), Grief and bereavement in contemporary society: Bridging research and practice (pp. 69-77). New York: Routledge. Miller, R. S. (2012). Intimate Relationships. Dubuque: McGraw-Hill Education. O'Brien, K. M. (n.d.). Helping a Grieving Child [PPT]. Stroebe, M. & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23, 197-224. Worden, J.W. (2009). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (4th Ed.). New York: Springer. Wright, M. (2013, November 15). Two Styles of Grieving: Intuitive and Instrumental. Retrieved September 27, 2017, from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/styles-of-grieving-050712
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Logan DechterUniversity of Maryland student by fall and spring, camp counselor by summer. Archives
February 2018
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